The Suit opened the door and let Klepto and his coterie into a large dark room.
“This is where you work?” Klepto asked. “It’s so dark.”
“We can’t find the light switch. We don’t really do any work anyway,” The Suit said.
“Don’t say that out loud,” Klepto reminded him. “Well, we’ve been taking a lot of heat for being disorganized so we better have a couple of meetings and stuff like that. Ow!”
Harlequin said, “I see you’ve found the conference table.”
The bunch of them fumbled forward, found chairs and seated themselves. As they started to speak, though, they realized they were not in their preferred order of closeness to Klepto. Closeness to Klepto was the only thing that mattered to this group, so they began a wiley game of musical chairs in the dark. Instead of music, they had Klepto’s husky voice with its inexplicable working class accent. Klepto had gone to expensive and exclusive schools where no one learned anything but spoke beautifully. His mother spoke with a foreign accent, so that was no clue. Where had he learned to talk like that?
Anyway as Klepto grumbled and complained, they slid past one another to get closer to him all the while being careful not to get in front of someone who was supposed to be closer to Klepto than they were. If anyone found himself between Tinkerbelle and Klepto, for example, they had to reposition, unless it was Harlequin who may or may not have been closer or Little Hitler who wanted to be closer, knew he never would be, but tried anyway.
Oblivious to all the shadows moving around him, Klepto droned on in love with the sound of his own voice
“Great vacation. Spent a week at the Winter White Home. Beautiful place.”
“That was just a weekend, Daddy,” Tinkerbelle corrected mildly. She did not care how long Klepto thought he had been away but she was always probing to see if her father was just confused because he wasn’t paying attention or was becoming senile.
“Best weekend ever. And why do they call it the Winter White Home? I call it that because I go there in the winter and I’m the Precedent.”
“Actually there is no ‘Winter White Home,’ Klepto,” Harlequin said. “There used to be a Summer White Home when Precedents went into the country to beat the heat and Congress was in session. There’ no Winter White Home because, you know. People are working.”
“Really?” Klepto admired Harlequin’s depth of knowledge. Apparently he had achieve C’s in his finishing school, much higher grades than Klepto. “So they sent a whole crowd of attendants with me: Secret Service guys, tech guys, secretaries. I put ‘’em all up in the Big Top and charged ‘’em for first class rooms! I made a bundle. Then I signed autographs at a hundred dollars a pop—but free if you brought in a new club member and I had just doubled the price. Ch-ching!”
“So to the business at hand,” Little Hitler said. He pressed a finger to his lips to hold on his false mustache. “The courts struck down your Muslim ban.” He shoved past Harlequin but bumped into Tinkerbelle and got shoved back again by The Suit.
“So we’ll strike down the court. Send in the feds. Bar the gates. Who are these so-called courts?”
“Exactly,” said Little Hitler. “You should tweet that.”
“I will,” said Klepto and he dug around the pockets of his bathrobe for his phone. It felt huge in his tiny hands. Like a big penis.
“And the press is giving you a hard time, Daddy,” said Tinkerbelle. “They say you spend too much time watching TV in your bathrobe your staff is too disorganized.”
“I never watch TV and I don’t even own a bathrobe. This is a dressing gown. Not like a gown a woman would wear because I’m very butch, very manly. And I never watch TV except when I’m awake. Or asleep in front of the TV. And my staff? I said I’d surround myself with the best people because, let’s face it, I don’t know diddley about anything. And that’s who you are. The best.”
At this point a fight broke out among all the members of Klepto’s staff. They became a mass of shadows writhing on the dark floor.
“I picked you, Suit, because you had no other prospects. You were governor of a state and everybody hated you, so you couldn’t turn me down like everyone who was qualified did. And you, Harlequin I picked because you married my daughter and you, Tinkerbelle, I picked because you’re my daughter and like Howard Stern said you’re a great piece of ass. I swear if I wasn’t your father, I’d date you.”
Tinkerbelle lifted her head above the fray and said, “If you weren’t my father, I’d spray you with mace.”
“And you, Little Hitler, I picked because I read your book. I sympathize with your struggle. All my life I’ve struggled. I’ve been taken advantage of by employees who wanted to be paid, by government officials who wanted me to pay my taxes, by hot women whose pussies I grabbed and who then accused me of grabbing their pussies. I’m like America, always being taken advantage of by underpaid foreigners and illegal aliens trying to scrounge a living at the fringes of society. By the way I employ a lot of them and sometimes I don’t even pay them. What can they do? Sue me? Ha, ha, ha, ha.”
At his feet, the tussle ended and his staff lined up: Tinkerbelle/Harlequin, Little Hitler, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion Hunter and The Suit. Klepto squinted into the darkness.
“Where’s my chief of staff?”
Tinkerbelle said, “The Cowardly Lion Hunter ate him.”
“Too bad. He told me we could remove the sanctions on Oz today.” Klepto’s phone buzzed in his hand. “But I thought you wanted them lifted? Not so soon. Later? All right call me. Whatever you say.”
Klepto turned to his staff, “It was the Vlizard of Oz,” he said. “That guy hears everything.”
Like reading about Klepto? Wouldn’t it be great to see him too? Contribute cartoons or other artwork and I’ll put it on the site. Let’s see what this Klown looks like!
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