Klepto liked to have his picture taken around policemen and firemen. He liked the way it made him look like man of the people. And it was like a dress up party, them in their uniforms, him in his pajamas. Today, his chief of staff, who had been regurgitated by the Cowardly Lion Hunter after an unfortunate swallowing incident following a dispute over proximity to Klepto—long story—had arranged for Klepto to meet with sheriffs and small town police chiefs.
As the cameras flashed, Klepto said, “I want to apologize for meeting in the dark. We’re having some trouble figuring out where the light switches are in some of the rooms and also where the exits and entrances are. When I say ‘we’ I mean my staff. I don’t think I’ve ever switched on a light in my life. I have people for that. Good thing we found the candles.
“Anyway, I’m glad to see you all here gathered around me. I feel very safe. Normally, I’m terrified to go out, even with my bodyguards and now the Secret Service because the world is a dangerous place. And it’s getting more dangerous with that so-called judge letting in all the Muslims in. They’re just pouring in making that weird U-lu-lu-lu sound with their turbans flapping. Pouring in. Loaded with dynamite. The American people are afraid and they should be. Most of them are afraid of me, but some of them are afraid of terrorists. Not that I’m afraid. Now this is important. I’m very brave. I have great physical courage. Very, very great. It’s important for the leader of the free world to have great physical courage because he has to show the people he’s hiding from that he’s not afraid of them. That’s why there’s going to be a wall on the southern border and guards at all the airports, seaports and bus stations. And if any of those terrorists get in, it’s not my fault. I blame it on the so-called judge and the so-called courts for letting them in.
“Now that they know there’s going to be a ban so they’re pouring in. Especially from countries where terrorists don’t come from. None of them are coming from countries where I have a Big Top or owe money. But if something happens, blame the courts, not me. I mean I believe in laws. Laws are fine, but there’s common sense. It’s only common sense to do some things no matter what the law says. Like when the Constitution says I can’t take money from foreign governments. The Chinese state bank is the biggest tenant in the Ivory Tower. Do I not take money the Chinese state bank gives me? Of course I do, especially since they volunteered a ‘rent increase’ after the election.
“But I’m glad I’m here with all these brave policemen who risk their lives to keep me safe. Would I do the same for them? Not in a million years. That’s just common sense. They have to do their job. That’s the law.
“The world is a dangerous place and it’s getting more dangerous all the time. Every second. Just what I’m saying is making it a more dangerous place. Like the murder rate. It’s at an all time high. There have never been more murders in this country. I’m surprised no one’s been killed yet in this room. Now I know some of you guys read crime statistics that say the murder rate is at a forty year low. Fake news! Don’t believe it just because it’s in reports from policemen like yourselves. I mean, who would trust a bunch of cops? Test-a-lying. You heard of that?
“Anyway, it’s chaos out there. There are thousands of terrorist attacks every day the press never reports. They have their own reasons. You know what they are. I don’t so if you do, let me know. But even when they do report them, they get them wrong. Like that attack in Canada. They said some neo-Nazi—I hate that term; I prefer ‘Alt-Right’ to show respect—gunned down a bunch of towelheads while they were so-called ‘praying’ when what really happened was those cameljockeys waited, just kept on bowing and muttering until an unsuspecting Alt-Righter peeked in the window out of curiosity. Then they shot him with his own gun and immediately killed themselves to cover up the crime, leaving him so so surprised he was not dead that he confessed to the biased police who completely misinterpreted the crime scene. You know what that’s like, right?
“Then there’s the Bowling Green Massacre. Nobody talks about it except the Wicked Witch of the West who talks about it all the time. Won’t shut up about it. People say, ‘Oh that didn’t happen’ because it didn’t but there are a dozen, hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of corpses strewn around that beautiful, beautiful city. They’re still lying there.
“Meanwhile millions of well-armed Mexicans are pouring over the border to take low-paying jobs away from unemployed Americans at gunpoint. Nobody talks about it except me. Did you know that a posse of bad hombres snuck over our beautiful and pathetically weak border, raped all the women in one of those Texas border towns, Dallas I think, ate all the children then uprooted every brick, window and slab of sheet rock in the city. They carried it back to Mexico and rebuilt the city as a Mexican possession? Now Dallas is in Mexico. Or San Antonio. Nobody reported it.
“And the Attack from the North. If the press told you about the number of Canadian soldiers walking around the streets of Fargo, North Dakota with assault rifles and masks on you’d think you were in Kiev. But the press never talks about it. Pretty soon you won’t know if you’re in Canada or the US anymore. Unless you get sick. Then if the doctor gives you a bill, you’ll know you’re home.”
The cops around the table had begun by smiling and nodding at Klepto’s accusations. They loved this guy. He was all for law and order and he supported civil forfeiture, which meant that if a cop wanted your money or your car he could accuse you of being a drug dealer, steal your stuff and then let you off with a warning. Actually Klepto didn’t know what civil forfeiture was, but if he nodded when one of the sheriffs brought it up because he thought he looked smart.
But now they were getting worried. They hadn’t heard about the abduction of Dallas but generally what Klepto said about Mexicans was okay in their book. But now they also had Canadians to worry about? “Aboot?” How do you tell if someone is Canadian, anyway? Maybe if they looked poor but healthy?
Klepto was on a roll. “And no one’s ever reported about the alien spaceships we have stashed in Area 54. Do you know it costs 100 billion a year to keep those bug-eyed monsters from taking over the country? Let our guard down for a second and they rendezvous with the mother ship parked on the Moon and then nothing will save us but Russian nuclear weapons. Come on. You think I suck up to Putin because I like the guy? Or because he has perverted pictures of me? No. It’s the aliens on the Moon we have to worry about. But the press is suppressing the story. If it got out, you’d never look at the Moon the same way again.
“And this is all true because I’m your Precedent, your fearless leader who will never lie to you unless its for your own good or–and this is important–it’s for my own good. Who are you going to believe, those unelected elitist journalists or a millionaire who never worked for anyone in his life and lost the election by three million votes?
“Illegal votes from foreigners, by the way.” Then he leaned forward and blew out the candles.
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