Hound TV Interview

Klepto liked being interviewed on Hound TV. He felt they appreciated him and they treated him with respect. And they liked to send the business reporter to do the interview—as if he knew anything about business! Anyway, she always treated him the way he thought interviewers should treat him and he felt he understood her questions. Although it was hard to make out what she was trying to say when she had her mouth full.

“What did I learn as Precedent?” Klepto interpreted. “Well, it’s hard to learn a lot when you have as great a brain as I have, Sweetheart. That’s your name, right? I don’t want to be disrespectful. I’m always respectful to women, except when they’re bitches. I can say that because I tell it like it is and I know you’ll clean it up for me. Anyway, I already knew more than my generals when I got here. Because I watch all the shows. I watch your show, at least when it’s about me. You’ve got a hell of a figure. I’d say: body nine, face six. You’re a financial reporter, so I know you understand numbers. And you know I watch all the shows.”

Klepto slid forward to the edge of the baby seal skin couch so it would be easier for the Hound TV network reporter to interview him. And he slouched back to that made it easier for Tinkerbelle to massage his scalp. He loved being interviewed.

“Anyway, I learned that healthcare was much more complicated than anyone suspected. In fact, before I came along, everyone thought I’d sign a bill on my first day in office and fix the whole thing. Just because I said I would. Also I had a wonderful dinner with the emperor of China. Or is he the king?” He raised his eyes to his daughter who suggested “Prince.” She was Special Advisor to the Precedent after all.

“Hm?” the interviewer asked.

“Anyway, he told me China was not a currency manipulator. I was pleased to find that out, because I thought China was a currency manipulator. Whatever that it is. I also told him we bombed Iraq—”

“Iran,” the Special Advisor corrected.

“That’s right, Egypt. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you’ve ever seen—”

“It has a little medallion that says KLEPTO on it,” the Special Advisor said.

“Hm, hmm, hmmn?” the reporter asked.

“I think relations between the our country and Oz are the worst they’ve every been, worse even than during the Cuban missile crisis. Things will be much better when I get done with them. I think the Vlizzard of Oz is a strong man is a very great leader and Oz is a strong country and our country is a very strong country—“

“It’s just a lover’s quarrel,” the Scarecrow interjected excitedly from his Scarecross at the back of the room.

“Dad and the Vlizzard will be having make up sex soon,” said the Cowardly Lion Killer from under the coffee table, next to the reporter.

“Now boys,” Tinkerbelle scolded. “You know you’re not supposed to talk about sanctions yet.” TCLK scowled at her and the Scarecrow stuck out his tongue.

“Hmmn? Hm, hm, hm?”

“I really like the Grim Reaper. But I don’t know him very well. He’s just a guy who works for me. He happens to have the office next door in the Pale House. He joined me very late. I don’t even know where he came from. I never listen to him. I go like this when he talks.” Klepto covered his ears and shrieked loudly. The reporter was so surprised, she nearly bit his dick off.

“Do you have anything to say about Bill the Leprechaun?” she asked, catching her breath before getting back to the interview.

“Bill is a great guy. He could never have done any of the things they said he did. The same way I never could have done the things I said I did. And all of those women who filed lawsuits against him were liars. In fact, they were the same liars who filed complaints against me. It’s fake news just like the Russians intervening in our election and currency manipulation and the Syrian nerve gas attack.”

“We believe there really was a Syrian nerve gas attack,” the Special Advisor corrected.

“Damn right. We’ve been looking for an excuse to launch some missiles to make Dad look strong. Whoosh…BOOM!” said the Scarecrow.

“Yeah, after he’s been looking like such a pussy after he blew the travel ban and health care. Nobody can say his first hundred days are a failure now. BOOM!”

“BOOM!” said Klepto rolling his eyes back into his head and letting his whole body go limp. “Cake,” he whispered, maybe to himself.

The reporter got up from her knees, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and swallowed hard. “Thank you, Mister Precedent.”

“That was a great interview, Sweetheart,” Klepto said. “Probably an eight or a nine. How about another one tomorrow around four thirty? I’ll give you a scoop.”

“Scoop,” said the Cowardly Lion Hunter.

Author: leonardrysdyk

Leonard Rysdyk is the author of more than a dozen novels, stories, articles and poems. His work has appeared in many publications including Snow White, Blood Red, The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, Aboriginal Magazine and the New York Review of Science Fiction. A professor at Nassau Community College, he teaches literature (including science fiction), cultural history (including the history of science) and is an acknowledged innovator in the field of Computer Aided Instruction (CAI), a subject on which he has lectured and consulted.

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